Advice From The Comic Hack 173 – The Deja-Vu, Snakes, Change And Accidents Shouldn’t Happen Edition

Sep 09

Advice From The Comic Hack 173 – The Deja-Vu, Snakes, Change And Accidents Shouldn’t Happen Edition

When consulted about the inevitability of change Friedrich Nietzsche has said “The snake which cannot cast his skin has to die”. Friedrich was a bit of a downer. My touring schedule has become quite hectic this month and rather than leave you bereft of this week’s ADVICE COLUMN – I’ve brought back a piece I wrote from before this column found its own blog. That’s a change you’ll have to roll with but don’t worry; MY snake is feeling just fine!

Some people fear change, some collect it in cups on street corners and some used it as a major and successful campaign talking point. Some people fear snakes. I fear neither. Once upon a time this ADVICE COLUMN only existed as a feature on the Renaissance Festivals Facebook Page. That’s clearly changed. I used to write 3000-word answers to multiple questions each week. This has also changed. I used to be damned-funny and devastatingly handsome – please god tell me that hasn’t changed!  Your Humble Comic Hack embraces change as not only unavoidable but desirable. Your Humble Comic Hack does not embrace snakes. Today a Darling Reader is in distress and proposes a horrendous solution… I’m shocked and appalled and I have to set her straight. I ask you to please enjoy as I re-visit a classic entry from this column’s past. I will  try to answer with… jokes (and wisdom); that hasn’t changed. You know what else hasn’t changed? I still want you to submit questions for future columns to advicequestions@comichacksguide.com . It keeps the snake happy and thriving. I wonder how long I can belabor that damned slithering metaphor?

Artist's Depiction. Please let me keep using the Snake theme!

Artist’s Depiction of the Darling Reader. (Please let me keep using the Snake theme!)

Aaarrrrrrgggggg! That kinda sums up how I currently feel. Let me explain, in ’08 my mom had open heart surgery which has put her out of work so my (then) boyfriend and I moved in to take over bills for her and my teenaged brother. Bo proposed and though I was quite certain he was not the “one” I accepted. How could I turn him down he had stepped up and taken care of my mother when my own sisters wouldn’t? Well after a failed pregnancy he informed me (self titled mother hen) that he never wanted to have kids. As this is completely unacceptable to me I informed him of my desire for a divorce which he readily agreed to and even offered to continue to live here and help us pay the bills. So my dilemma (?) is that he is a really great guy and I do care deeply for him (though it is decidedly not “love” love) So my dilemma is while he is a great guy and if I were to wind up pregnant he would man up to the job I feel as though my future children deserve to have a father that loves them completely, doesn’t regret them EVER, and basically wants them around. Am I being too picky and should just pray for an “accident” or should I go back out there and deal with the horrors of dating once more til I find the “one” that can be this father of my children I think they deserve? I suppose I know the answer to this already but someone else’s insight would be greatly appreciated

Maybe the Biblical Adam was right about who you can trust?

Maybe the Biblical Adam was right about who you can trust?

You have TWO CHOICES as Your Humble Comic Hack sees it and as the mighty RAMONES succinctly asked it: Should You STAY or Should you GO?  In Choice One – You Stay with a guy who you don’t love out of misguided loyalty. You do this knowing he doesn’t want kids and you do. You’ve convinced yourself that won’t be a problem for you because if you somehow, mysteriously wound-up pregnant (“Oh golly, how did THAT happen?”) he’d step up. You’re to the point where you’re considering an “accident” – And yes, I am very aware of the quotes you put around that word – You’re contemplating praying for an unwanted pregnancy so that you can have the man that you don’t really want and the child you desperately do.

Or Choice Number Two: you could instead go the other route, which is to you know… basically do NONE of those horrible things.

Really you have to even ask?

Really you have to even ask?

Gosh there is so much just blatantly wrong in the situation you’ve described, in the questions you have asked that I’m not even sure where I’m going to put the dick-jokes to make it funny. Wow. Just wow!

Let me recap a few points as you describe them: You seemed concerned with what your future children deserve but that is only the very low bar of a parent that “basically wants them around”.  Yet you have no concern for what you deserve. You say that this is a good guy, but you’re genuinely considering rewarding him with deceit. You’re contemplating tricking him into a commitment; a child he’s told you he doesn’t want. You don’t love him. You know it; which means that he either knows it as well or is so oblivious that he’s not the sort of person you’d want around for the rest of your life. Do you really suppose the “horrors” of dating are going to be worse than the horrors of a loveless marriage? Could it be worse than a man who’ll resent you and your children until he cheats on you and leaves? I reiterate: Wow! 1963 called and they want their outrageous, sexist, sensibilities back. Wait a minute: Do you watch a lot of the television show “Mad Men”? Is this Don Draper’s fault? I’ve never seen the show but I understand the milieu it operates in. It’s the only way I can explain your outdated and shocking ideas. You’re clearly under the sway of Don Draper’s Magic wand! There’s the dick joke!

I approve of and applaud that joke!

I approve of and applaud that joke!

I am a performer of shows at semi-historical recreations throughout the country and yet I am completely aware that this is the 21st Century. The idea that you need to marry a guy because he came along and paid the bills is as antiquated and quite honestly offensive as the “lady-parts” of the late, great, Phyllis Diller! (It’s not a “Dick joke” per se – but I’ll take it) You are not chattel. You are not a bargaining chip in an arranged marriage. You’re not a consumption- plagued Bronte heroine in not-so-Merry-Old-England. You are a Modern Woman in what is arguably still the most advanced and liberated society that has ever existed. Pursuit of happiness – and I believe that to include romantic joy – is right there in the USA’s user’s manual. How dare you fritter that away? How dare you even contemplate, let alone pray for, bringing a child into this tacky and miserable situation only to trap all three of you?

Listen up sister. It’s time for a little tough talk. You’re ending the arrangement and you’re doing it by this weekend. You are also not sleeping with him anymore starting now; do this to protect your future. It is time to summon up your compassion your integrity and your decency from whatever dark dungeon you’ve banished them to and to treat yourself and this man with honesty and respect.

Ahem...

Ahem…

No really, it is time to end this travesty. Even though you don’t paint a very complimentary portrait of yourself I cannot help but believe that you deserve to be with someone who you love and who loves you. I believe that this man deserves a woman who feels that the sun rises and sets upon him and I believe that neither of you are right for each other. I have heard that here are plenty of marriages that succeed without fulfilling the ideal. You can have a long-term romance without being soul mates. But this does not sound like one of those situations at all. For a marriage to work you have to agree on many key factors and be willing to compromise on a few lesser others. Want to guess something that’s really hard to “go half-way” on? A child.

Believe me when i say - you did NOT want to see the photos I found when i Googled "Child cut in half"

Believe me when I say – you did NOT want to see the photos I found when I Googled “Child cut in half

You have to have respect and trust in your relationship for it to succeed; yours lacks both of those. You don’t respect him and he can’t trust you; If either were true you’d never consider an “accident” to lock him into what is – at a minimum – an eighteen-year obligation, just so you can avoid going back into the dating pool again.

I might also like to know exactly what his agenda is? He moved in, took over bills, proposed, married you and – after knocking you up somewhere in there – readily agreed to the divorce. But he offered to still live with you and still pay the bills? Why? How does he think that’s going to work? What does he think is going to happen as you each start dating other people?

I'm sure it will be delightful...

I’m sure it will be delightful…

Life is a funny, complicated thing. I can easily tell you that it is too short to waste time on being with a man who you know is not “the one”. But it can feel like an eternity when locked into a bleak, romance-free relationship. Your marriage then transforms into a prison; your life becomes to feel like unending tedium. Get out before a child does come along and  not only complicates things for everyone but becomes the lock on the door to your dungeon. Go fly, be free little bird, before you make a mistake you cannot wish away. Do it for the children you will eventually have. Do it so this honorable, yet misguided man will find the right woman for him. Do it mostly so that you may experience excitement and joy, develop your self-worth and learn completely different techniques and values when it comes to interacting with the man in your life.

Instead of...

Instead of…

That about wraps up another week’s hot, fresh advice; I hope you’ve enjoyed the column. As always I’d like to ask you to “Like” and leave “Comments”. Please also “Share” this column because, you know WORLD DOMINATION! You may submit questions for future columns to advicequestions@comichacksguide.com. I look forward to seeing you again right back here next week!

3 comments

  1. Your Humble Comic Hack /

    I honestly wonder what some people think.
    I can’t imagine anyone is going to dispute the advice I’ve given but – what about the tone? Should I have been kinder?

    • A Loyal Fan /

      This was a wild ride all the way through. I didn’t think you were harsh — sometimes life is screwy and you need a good slap in the face to look clearly at it. Always a pleasure to read! Have you suspended the advice column for now?

  2. Your Humble Comic Hack /

    YIKES!
    My deepest apologies. it was JOE, MICK, PAUL and NICKY – THE CLASH (Not those silly RAMONES) who asked “Should I Stay or Should I go?” mea Culpa!

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