Advice From The Comic Hack 167 – The Professor, Master, Doctor – “What Is This A Porno?” – Edition

Jul 14

Advice From The Comic Hack 167 – The Professor, Master, Doctor – “What Is This A Porno?” – Edition

In last week’s column I quoted American Author and rich quote mine Mary Wilson Little’s witticism about headstones. Today she pontificates about hard work and educations saying “He who devotes sixteen hours a day to hard study may become at sixty as wise as he thought himself at twenty.”  As if that’s not enough – I’m also bringing the Tennyson!

Wikipedia describes today’s other oft-quoted literati Alfred Lord Tennyson as: “Blah blah Alfred Tennyson,  Blah 1st Baron Tennyson, Poet Laureate of Great Britain and Ireland Blah blah blah during much of Queen Victoria’s reign and remains one of the most popular British blah blah blah poets”. Alfy  had this to say about achievements. No man ever got very high by pulling other people down. The intelligent merchant does not knock his competitors. The sensible worker does not work those who work with him. Don’t knock your friends. Don’t knock your enemies. Don’t knock yourself.Brilliant! In today’s column a Darling Reader expresses weariness of her own accomplishments and wistfulness towards the recognition  due the achievements of others. I think I avoided making any dick jokes – but there ARE porn references to follow. Go read the thing, pat me on the back for showing restraint and resisting the urge to make a ’bated breath joke just now. ALSO submit questions for future columns to 

This is Tennyson. How could I "blah blah blah" a look this fierce?

This is Tennyson. How could I “blah blah blah” a look this fierce?

Dear Comic Hack,

I am about to graduate from graduate school with my master’s degree, but as the time gets closer it feels less and less important. It also seems like people are proud of me obtaining it because of the type of degree, but disregard other degrees. People should be proud of others for their accomplishments whether it is learning to read, getting a GED, High School Diploma, etc., and when I try to explain this it mainly ends in my frustration. Why is it that some people do not see the value in education no matter the accomplishment? No matter what, someone worked on a goal and continued through, does this not mean anything?

There it is! there's the value!

There it is! there’s the value!

Your Humble Comic Hack is certainly in awe of your achievements and I’m really compelled to shout out “Let’s play Doctor!  Hello Nurse!”  Yes, yes… I know it’s a Master’s Degree not a Doctorate but calling you “Master” is a little too 50 shades for this slinger of dick jokes. “To each his own” and all but that kind of “role play” just isn’t my leather-bound cup o’ tea. Thanks so much for writing me and for giving me to interesting topics to spout my “wisdom” on.

Ummm Whut? Huh? I don't even... Hello Master I guess?

Ummm Whut? Huh? I don’t even… Hello Master I guess?

First let me assure you that it’s only natural that your perspective has shifted as you approach your goal. It’s common for those in your position. The question that pops into my pop-culture-addled mind is whether this shift is because you see what the cold, hard reality is behind the sheepskin and it utility? Or is it because it’s your questing nature to want more and with this goal all-but-reached the bloom has faded from this rose? It’s possible that the excitement has waned and you seek the next big thing. This is not for Your Humble Comic Hack to say – but I might just anyway

I was also going to say “It is human nature to prize or value some things above others…” but in reality our pre-human, primate ancestors (evolution is real; deal with it you crazy creationists) probably valued some stones or seeds or berries above others. They certainly rewarded the chimp with the biggest collection over the chump with less… though in reality they were all lemurs fouling their nests… or something.
That’s not even taking into account the many weird things we have arbitrarily valued over time. Coins, gold (so similar to lead) paper, diamonds, feathers and tulip bulbs have all had their moment in the sun as valuables to kill or die for.  Remember that the next time you wish to criticize rap culture and its treasuring of Grills, Chainz and  Lambos.

I'm trying. I really am.

I’m trying. I really am.

Not so long ago higher-leveled matriculation almost always equaled better pay and always equaled more status.  Now an advanced education often, only really means greater debt load. Still – we still hold this archaic value of accreditation over practicality in our modern society. We still teach our children that they have failed somehow if they haven’t graduated college. We imply – or actively profess – that they are a disappointment if they don’t have a degree and we as a society and a country are poorer in so many ways for it.

This is a disappointment.

This is a disappointment.

I’d love for this to be a world where everyone’s achievements are valued. I’d love to see a world where the janitor and the doctor both got respect. I’d love to see our manufacturers bring back jobs and people who build things be admired, applauded and able to raise a family and live the American Dream. But I’d also love for this to be a world where girls didn’t have to be taught how to avoid being raped because boys just knew – “Hey, don’t rape girls.” I’d love to be a citizen of a country where 12.3 percent of its citizenry didn’t live in mortal fear of law enforcement.  I’d love to live in a world where people don’t have to be convinced that vaccines work or that the fucking EARTH isn’t fucking FLAT. What I’m saying is, we don’t live in an ideal world.

My Hero - Doctor T Dropping TRUTH like BOMBS!

My Hero – Doctor T Dropping TRUTH like BOMBS!

Be the change you want to see. It’s cliche but true. You want a world where more folks are respected? Respect more folks around you. Lead and teach by example. Value the achievements of those you touch – literally or metaphorically – and inspire others to do the same. I’m not implying you don’t do this now – but “mote in your own eye” and all.  Don’t forget to also value your own feats. Be an inspiration to those who have dreams, accomplishments or a drive to reach hard-won goals.

I personally know two doctors, two amazing women, both of whom I met when they were just girls. One of them was – for a time – a disaster epidemiologist for the CDC and now she works for the Gates Foundation literally saving the world. The other is a BRAIN SURGEON… a freaking brain surgeon (A rich, HOT, long-legged blonde BRAIN SURGEON who has actually performed surgery while wearing impossibly high-heeled Louboutin shoes).

Doctor, I'm suddenly feeling FEVER and CHILLS!

Doctor, I’m suddenly feeling FEVER and CHILLS!

Both of these women are gracious, charming, kind and interested. They would appreciate and share the joy in a child learning to read, a teen graduating high school, an adult earning their doctorate or a Comic Hack writing his first book. They are both modest  while also being aware of what they have, what they have done and their honest-to-Flying Spaghetti Monster effect on the world. They are each an inspiration. You too can inspire those around you. You should. Wikipedia also tell us  that “Today the terms “master”, “doctor” (from the Latin – meaning literally: “teacher”) and “professor” signify different levels of academic achievement, but in the Medieval university they were equivalent terms, the use of them in the degree name being a matter of custom at a university.” So Doctor, Master or Professor; it is your job, your responsibility to teach those around you.

If you don't mind, I'll pretend it looks just like this.

If you don’t mind, I’ll pretend it looks just like this.

And with that display of abject sexism – I’ll sign off for another timely publication of The Comic Hacks Guide As always it’s so very important to this author and his fragile ego that you LIKE and SHARE this post on Facebook – and maybe throw in some “Instas”, some “Tweets” and a snapchat post or two. I’ll try to keep future posts to a once-a-week schedule to do that I’m going to need YOU to send me more questions for future columns to


  1. Your Humble Comic Hack /

    Was I too sexist in this column? Was I helpful? Was I too mean or too glib? Leave me comments!

  2. Colleen /

    Insightful and interesting! Not at all sexist. I really like this edition! Made me think, smile and laugh. Keep up the good work funny man!💋

  3. Love your columns. I didn’t notice any sexism at all. Just your usual insight, humor, and spot-on wisdom.

  4. Jennifer /

    LOVED this column!

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