Advice From The Comic Hack 169 – The Physical Forms and Belly Of The Beast Edition

Jul 28

Advice From The Comic Hack 169 – The Physical Forms and Belly Of The Beast Edition

I feel such an affinity to the writings of Irish playwright, novelist, essayist, and poet Oscar Freaking Wilde. I love his artistry, his brilliance, his talent, his sass and his incredible style… I wonder how much more he might have contributed had he been born now and not in the benighted 19th century England. Wilde wrote “The  pure and  simple  truth is rarely pure and never simple.”  How right he was. Born almost 100 years later author, educator, activist and by no means Wilde’s equal Parker Palmer wrote “Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” He too is absolutely correct and yet too few of us realize not only what we want but what we’re willing, able, and required to do to get what we deserve. Sometimes too; self-care will only come at the urging of those who love us. Today a Darling Reader writes me with her ever-growing concerns fomented by her life-partner’s ever-growing waistline. In trying to address her distress I learn some interesting new facts and run once-again into an oft-repeated dilemma. I’ll try to steer this long-suffering stoic towards a better path. I am going to ask you to read, share and comment and don’t forget: Submit questions for future columns to advicequestions@comichacksguide.com.  Dear Comic Hack,  Before I get too deep into my problem I really want to stress that my question is not rooted in an effort to body shame my boyfriend. It is genuinely seated in a concern not only for his health, but the health of our children and the quality of life of our family. I also want to stress: I’m not “skinny.” But I am active. I can’t sit for too long without getting fidgety and being inside sitting day after day is the pathway for me to fall into depression. When we met my boyfriend was already fairly large. But his personality  shone through and I fell for him. While I was pregnant with our daughter we both gained considerable weight. After he birth though, it felt like our paths started to diverge a bit. I began losing (and...

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Advice From The Comic Hack 168 – The Just Friends And Listening To Your Voices Edition

Jul 21

Advice From The Comic Hack 168 – The  Just Friends And Listening To Your Voices Edition

For my third column after my return from hiatus I’d like to present a joke I just wrote. In an incredible departure from my established norm – it doesn’t even involve genitals. “How many advice columnists does take to change a light bulb? Darling Reader – I can’t change the light bulb but perhaps I can inspire it to want to change itself?” Speaking of darkness and light Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, pioneering researcher on death and dying, codifier of the Five Stages of Grief and my personal Angel of Death had this to say – but I think she meant it to apply to those still living. “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.” Today a Darling Reader when confronted with her partner’s stunning revelation responds in a way that surprises her and pleases me. She shone from within. Now she wants to know how to not be crushed in the aftermath.  All I ask of you is to SHARE this post and to submit questions for future columns to advicequestions@comichacksguide.com    I got the “Let’s be friends” speech this morning and my response shocked even myself, I said “That’s OK, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t really want me.” I packed up my things and left and I feel strangely calm. It still hurts though… and even though I feel like he is a dumb ass for not seeing me as worthwhile how do I NOT listen to that unwanted voice inside of me that tries to tell me I am unlovable?   Now before we can get to answering your questions I must allow that it’s possible that NOT being more than friends (or other than friends) was  this fellow’s intent all along and that he was just clarifying things to clear up confusion he senses in you. But that’s not what this sounds like Darling Reader. That’s not how this ‘reads’. That’s not what I am going to respond to. M’kay? As for your response this morning: I cannot tell you how proud I am of you, how proud I am FOR you. Ladies and gentlemen,...

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Advice From The Comic Hack 167 – The Professor, Master, Doctor – “What Is This A Porno?” – Edition

Jul 14

Advice From The Comic Hack 167 – The Professor, Master, Doctor – “What Is This A Porno?” – Edition

In last week’s column I quoted American Author and rich quote mine Mary Wilson Little’s witticism about headstones. Today she pontificates about hard work and educations saying “He who devotes sixteen hours a day to hard study may become at sixty as wise as he thought himself at twenty.”  As if that’s not enough – I’m also bringing the Tennyson! Wikipedia describes today’s other oft-quoted literati Alfred Lord Tennyson as: “Blah blah Alfred Tennyson,  Blah 1st Baron Tennyson, Poet Laureate of Great Britain and Ireland Blah blah blah during much of Queen Victoria’s reign and remains one of the most popular British blah blah blah poets”. Alfy  had this to say about achievements. “No man ever got very high by pulling other people down. The intelligent merchant does not knock his competitors. The sensible worker does not work those who work with him. Don’t knock your friends. Don’t knock your enemies. Don’t knock yourself.” Brilliant! In today’s column a Darling Reader expresses weariness of her own accomplishments and wistfulness towards the recognition  due the achievements of others. I think I avoided making any dick jokes – but there ARE porn references to follow. Go read the thing, pat me on the back for showing restraint and resisting the urge to make a ’bated breath joke just now. ALSO submit questions for future columns to advicequestions@comichacksguide.com  Dear Comic Hack, I am about to graduate from graduate school with my master’s degree, but as the time gets closer it feels less and less important. It also seems like people are proud of me obtaining it because of the type of degree, but disregard other degrees. People should be proud of others for their accomplishments whether it is learning to read, getting a GED, High School Diploma, etc., and when I try to explain this it mainly ends in my frustration. Why is it that some people do not see the value in education no matter the accomplishment? No matter what, someone worked on a goal and continued through, does this not mean anything? Your Humble Comic Hack is certainly in awe of your achievements and I’m really compelled to shout out “Let’s play Doctor!  Hello Nurse!”  Yes, yes… I know it’s a Master’s Degree...

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Advice From The Comic Hack 166 – The Family Horrors From Beyond The Grave Edition

Jul 07

Advice From The Comic Hack 166 – The Family Horrors From Beyond The Grave Edition

As a collector and distributor of wise and comical quotes I really like the work of American author Mary Wilson Little. I’ve collected many of her gems, today I share this: “The tombstone is about the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time.”  When you read today’s column Miss Little’s thought for the day will really strike home. Also striking home are the thoughts of another Mary, American poet Mary Oliver who instructs us that “After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then reimagine the world.”  HELLO One and All!  I have returned from an unplanned but completely necessary hiatus and today marks my triumphant return to scribbling down advice and genitally-based humor for you, my Darling Readers. In an effort to stay on track I have written three columns in advance and have even begun the follow-up to my series “So You Want To Work At The Renaissance Festival”… so stop pestering me Okay? Classic Greek bad-boy Plato tells us “Those who tell the stories rule society.”  And in today’s ADVICE COLUMN the estranged mother of a Darling Reader has some whoppers to tell FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. I have somehow managed to avoid zombie references in today’s column. For this I should be applauded. So I promise to do my level best to publish this column once a week for at least the next three weeks. I’d like you to promise to read this column. I’d like you to share this column. And for goodness sake send more interesting questions in so I can answer them in future (hopefully timely) columns to advicequestions@comichacksguide.com  Hi,  So, being unemployed at the moment I can’t afford a therapist. Wondering if you will step in? 🙂 Here’s my issue. I had, as so many people have, a rather difficult childhood fraught with emotional and physical abuse doled out by my stepfather and denied by my unprotective mother. My step father abandoned five children by his first marriage to move to California with my mother and me. He also had a daughter by my mother, my half sister, 12 years my junior, who was throughout my childhood the very much favorite child. My...

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