Advice From The Comic Hack # 122 – The Sailing The Seas Of Heartbreak Edition

Jun 25

Advice From The Comic Hack # 122 – The Sailing The Seas Of Heartbreak Edition

Alfred, Lord Tennyson, The  ninth most frequently quoted writer in The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations once penned this bon mot for our edification “All experience is an arch wherethrough gleams that untravelled world whose margin fades for ever and for ever when I move.” He also has a GREAT gem which started with the line “No man ever got very high by pulling other people down…”  But  because I’m a scamp, a tease; I’m not using those quotes today. I’d also like to point out to my readers in Colorado, or those possessing any of a number of medical conditions like glaucoma or anxiety – that’s not the kind of “getting high” Tennyson meant. In today’s column I help guide a reader with a wounded heart  as she has fallen for a man departing on voyage across the sea.  I can only hope that when this bright, mature, self-possessed lady and her seafaring-fellow spoke of their future that the sailor said “she’s a fine girl and what a good wife she would be” that would make me perversely, curiously happy. By the way, if you recognize those lyrics you are older than a significant portion of my fan base. This reader wrote me for hints on how to deal with the heartbreak; with the pain of the loss of this paramour. My response may surprise you.  So – go read the thing and then Like and Share it with the entire freaking internet. Don’t forget you may also submit your questions looking for my advice by emailing me advicequestions@tortugatwins.com   My Dear Comic Hack, First, I wanted to say that I am a long-time fan (of your Renaissance Festival Show). As in: My mom took me to see you guys almost 15 years ago because she was worried Puke & Snot would be too raunchy for my young ears…whoops! Secondly, I find myself in the unfortunate position of seeking your advice.  As of late I have been going through a rough patch emotionally, and I’m having difficulties finding unbiased opinions among my family and friends.  Thus, I come to you. I’ve been having feelings (or rather, resurfacing feelings) for an ex-boyfriend that I recently reconnected with in the past few...

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Advice From The Comic Hack # 121 – The Deep Throat And Normalcy Edition

Jun 11

Advice From The Comic Hack # 121 – The Deep Throat And Normalcy Edition

Sex, sex, sexety-sex-sex! I was searching for quotes today as I was formulating my response, answering a reader’s curiosity about a her feelings involving a specific sex-act. The whole situation is compelling me to make “hard to swallow” jokes. Sad. Equally sad is the fact that the quotes that most appealed to me today were from Jim Morrison and the Marquis De Sade. I suspect this tells you more than you’d ever want to know about me. American poet, Lizard King, reprobate, on stage masturbator (allegedly) and former denizen of my old stomping grounds; Jim Morrison described sexy-sexy-time this way “Sex is full of lies. The body tries to tell the truth. But, it’s usually too battered with rules to be heard, and bound with pretenses so it can hardly move. We cripple ourselves with lies.” Jeez Big Jim, no wonder you poisoned yourself to death! On a hardly-lighter-at-all note French revolutionary politician, philosopher, playwright and history’s favorite “whipping boy” – see what I did there? –  Donatien Alphonse “Marquis” De Sade – offered this gem (amongst others) about “doing the nasty”. “‘Sex’ is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.” Great. Now I’m a little ‘hungry’!  Today we’re having an “Oral Exam” leading to a “Pop Quiz” when a concerned reader asks me a mouthful of a question. I certainly will do my best not to “blow her off” until my answer reaches a mutually satisfying climax.  God! After that string of trashy puns I just feel dirty. While I go spit and rinse my mouth out let me encourage you to Like, Share and Tweet today’s column. But only if you’ve enjoyed reading it. Let me also encourage you to submit (giggity) questions for future columns to advicequestions@tortugatwins.com   Do other women enjoy giving oral? I ask because of the surprised reactions I have received from the few men I have been with; “How many men have you been with?” “That is the best I have ever had’ “Wow!” etc…  I totally love doing that and actually orgasm while doing so. Between that and the reactions I have...

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Advice From The Comic Hack # 120 – The My Father’s Evil New Wife Edition

Jun 04

Advice From The Comic Hack # 120 – The My Father’s Evil New Wife Edition

As I was buried neck deep in historical education last week, I was reminded what a wonderful and witty, bad-ass-mutha-humper Ambrose Bierce was.  He tells us “All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”  But he also defines quotation this way: “Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.” I’m not exactly certain what all of this means for me – your humble Comic Hack!  Yes, I admit it. I devour history, science, and in-depth personal interviews in book and podcast form not for research – but really, just for “funsies”. I’m that kind of nerd. Ambrose Bierce was the kind of nerd who became a soldier, journalist, fabulist (I’m not sure what that is but I think I want to be called it sometime!) and author of The Devil’s Dictionary. He was such an important and influential writerly-nerd that he became one of the first regular columnists and editorialists to be employed on William Randolph Hearst’s newspaper, the San Francisco Examiner, eventually becoming one of the most prominent and influential writers and journalists of the West Coast. Even though he was a constant gadfly and thorn in Hearst’s side he remained associated with the man’s papers until 1906; just seven years before his unexplained disappearance. If Bierce were still around – Well then  I’d suspect him of being as immortal as his words have proven to be. But since there’s no sign of Mr. Bierce these days it falls to me to advise a woman whose dear-old-dad has gone and gotten himself entangled with what appears to be a genuine GOLD DIGGER! Since I now have one of Kanye West’s catchier tunes caught in my head maybe I’ll be able to distract myself by reminding you to please LIKE and SHARE this column and to ask you to kindly submit questions for future columns to advicequestions@tortugatwins.com   My dad married the whore from hell. She is after a quick payday in the hope he will die sooner rather than later. Although he is far from rich she will walk away with a decent amount of money after selling his house, vehicles, retirement, and life insurance. Before he married her I had a heartfelt conversation with...

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