Advice from The Comic Hack # 118 – The Twist To Open And Spotting The Bad – No, ABUSIVE – Apples Edition.

Apr 30

Advice from The Comic Hack # 118 – The Twist To Open And Spotting The Bad – No, ABUSIVE – Apples Edition.

We are defined by our choices and there is great power and responsibility in exercising our personal preferences. Lao Tzu, philosopher, author and founder of Taoism warns us “When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad.”  Every choice you make is a product of everything that has come before and every decision you make comes with a host of consequences. I’ve been reading a lot of interesting, brilliant, and complex poetry the last few days. It’s been exhilarating.  I never finished the tiny bit of college I began in the eighties and so my familiarity with the classics is spotty and motivated more by my voracious appetite for reading than by a plan to acquire a good baseline appreciation of the cornerstones of literature – at least as determined by some tired English professor. Despite my blue-collar, white-trash upbringing I’ve managed to attain a pretty good vocabulary and a love of some of the most memorable pieces in our history of the printed word.  I’ve done my time with Chaucer but missed Melville. I’ve done Twain and Salinger, Hawthorne and Defoe, and of course Tolkien, Asimov and Poe. But it wasn’t until this week – motivated by an article on cracked.com – that I finally read Shelley’s Ozymandias. I knew of it of course; if for no other reason than encountering it in Alan Moore’s own opus The Watchmen, itself a classic that should be taught in school. I’d love for there to be some way to work a quote from this 14 line masterpiece into today’s column; that or anything from Yeats’s  The Second Coming – “what rough beast, its hour come round at last,  Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?” – into today’s answers to questions about failures in an open relationship and how to spot an abusive partner before it’s too late… But I think I lack that poetic ability. Instead I’m going to try and throw some dick jokes and (hopefully) helpful advice at you trusty readers and hope for the best. When you’re done reading today’s masterpiece I’d appreciate it if you’d “Like” “Share” and “Tweet” it all over the...

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Advice from The Comic Hack # 117 – The Hoarding Hordes And I Get Angry Edition

Apr 23

Advice from The Comic Hack # 117 – The Hoarding Hordes And I Get Angry Edition

If I were really clever, and shameless about trying  to get you to read these Advice Columns, to bait your “Clicks” on these comic offerings of mine –  I would change the way I write my headlines and opening paragraphs and include something “cheesy” and “Buzzfeedy” like “And Question Number 2 Will blow your MIND!” Alas, all I can offer are Dick Jokes, Quotes – but not in this week’s column –  and occasionally genuinely helpful guidance on real-life problems. That Being said – Question Number 2 Will blow your MIND! Bear with me a moment as today’s introductory paragraph contains no quotes but it does reveal a little something about my sordid past. A few years ago – back when I still had to take winter jobs to supplement my seasonal touring employment – I put together a real-life resume. To my horror I discovered that I was perfectly qualified to do nothing more than tell jokes and – having worked for years as a strip club DJ – get girls to take off their clothes in bars while I talked. This realization was both enlightening and horrifying. Much of the time as I write this column I have doubts; how can I possibly think that I am qualified to answer questions about such difficult and serious topics? So let me tell you – I appreciate each-and-every-one you that have approached me since I began writing this thing almost three years ago and reassured me that my advice has helped you in some way. I especially want to thank, and cheer-on the lovely lady who stopped me this weekend to thank me because the previous week’s column had helped her find the strength to leave a long-term, unfulfilling relationship. However every once-in-a-while I am asked a question that I am uniquely and unreservedly qualified to answer. In today’s column I answer one of those for a woman weighed-down by her own attachment to worldly goods.  I also write a very brief, damned indignant response to a question that really rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, I’m going to ask each of you to weigh in by telling me in the COMMENTS SECTION if I was too harsh,...

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Advice from The Comic Hack # 116 – The Big Questions about Joy and Love in a Relationship Edition

Apr 16

Advice from The Comic Hack # 116 – The Big Questions about Joy and Love in a Relationship Edition

At the risk of sounding like a fortune cookie – a uniquely American invention –  Lao Tzu, founder of Taoism and author of the Tao Te Ching tells us “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”  But sometimes love or “love” can cloud your judgment, raise your pulse, make you make bad decisions and even wreck your life. It’s like Crack or Meth, only slightly harder to come by. Good-old Lao was smarter than the average bear and his description of the transformational power of love is amazing – but in this most human of emotions – things don’t always work out so well. In his seminal but obscure work The Big Book Of Gleeb Paul B Lowney reminds us that “There is no difference between being in love and thinking you’re in love. The joy and the pain are the same”.  Finally –Nu Wave’s bad girl Pat Bentar assures us “Love is a battlefield” – and then for some reason she and the other dance-hall girls shake their boobies at the bad-guy. For my first column back after a brief hiatus I answer questions from readers about love and apparently also reference one of the sillier music videos from the 1980’s – and that’s a pretty high bar. So let me dust off the old keyboard and get to work. Your job is to LIKE and SHARE this column (I don’t care if I sound needy for asking that, I AM needy!) and to submit questions for future columns to advicequestions@tortugatwins.com    Both my current man friend and my ex had the same problem –  they just couldn’t seem to be happy, they don’t know how to find joy in everyday life and focus  instead on problems.  I worry that there is this similarity because my ex was terribly abusive and I don’t want to end up with that again… but there is a difference. The ex did the victim routine. He blamed everyone else for what was wrong in his life. My current man friend “mans up” when things go wrong he digs in and keeps trying until he has success and then still strives for better but he also lacks...

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