Advice from The Comic Hack # 113 – The Three Quick Questions And Some Of You Writers Are Weird Edition

Feb 26

Advice from The Comic Hack # 113 – The Three Quick Questions And Some Of You Writers Are Weird Edition

Known as the “Sage of Baltimore” journalist, satirist and critic of American life and culture H. L Mencken said “For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.” He was a man of wit and wisdom. Known as “The Comic Hack” clown, blogger and purveyor of Dick jokes R. J. Bauman said “Oh crap! I almost forgot to write an Advice Column today and there’s only the weird stuff in the inbox” He is a man who needs to get cracking.   Sometimes people leave the sort of peculiar comments on my advice columns that I cannot leave un-rebutted. Sometimes people ask me great questions that regrettably don’t lend themselves to the overly-wordy answers I tend to write. Sometimes people are crazy and weird and think they can fool this Comic Hack. And sometimes, it comes to pass that it is hours past your deadline, you’ve spent all day at a party and there just aren’t any questions in your inbox that jump out at you begging to engender a witty response. Today I tackle three of the more… problematic questions I have been asked lately. What this also means is that I would love to have you one-and-all submit some of your burning questions to advicequestions@tortugatwins.com … And of course Tweet, Share, and Like this week’s column a bunch.    (In response to an earlier comment about monogamy and bisexuality a reader responds) For those whose sexuality is more fluid and somewhere in the middle, having a partner of one gender is great, but there are still fantasies and excitements about the other gender that still exist. Just because a bisexual person finds a lovely partner to snuggle in with for the long haul does not mean that she/he stops being bisexual. Trust me, I know from experience that to do so results in depression and sometimes worse. If I were to contend – even supported by the theories of evolutionary biology – that I either personally or as a representative of my whole gender was incapable of monogamy because of the dictates of genetic imperative; some few of you – looking to justify your philandering ways – may applaud me. But those of us who...

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Advice From The Comic Hack #112 The Baby, Death and God Edition

Feb 12

Advice From The Comic Hack #112 The Baby, Death and God Edition

Literary giant and possessor of one of the best last names for penis-related humor Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote “There is a Reaper, whose name is Death, And, with his sickle keen, He reaps the bearded grain at a breath, And the flowers that grow between.” Thomas Fuller – whose last name provides significantly less fodder for adolescent humor – said “The first breath is the beginning of death” and the Buddhists – who are spiritually all-but immune to sophomoric dick jokes – wish to instruct us that “When you are born, you cry and the world rejoices. When you die, you rejoice, and the world cries”. Stupid Buddhists. Today I try to shine my weak lantern of silly jokes and wisdom into the great darkness that awaits us all. Today in my 112th column it is The Comic Hack versus Death. I am faced today with a Herculean undertaking. In response to one of the most heart-rending emails I have ever received, I have to wrestle with that grim finality that faces us all. I must try to find meaning, to make sense of not just death, but the death of an unborn child. Believe me I cannot wait to see how many dick jokes this will take until I render it gut-bustingly funny! In his classic non-fiction masterpiece Death in the Afternoon Papa Hemmingway tells us “All stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true-story teller who would keep that from you.”  On an only-slightly lighter note the deliciously-named Jerome P. Crabb – tell me that’s not the name of a Disney animated character! – assures us “Dying is like getting audited by the IRS–something that only happens to other people … until it happens to you.”  I honestly won’t know until this piece is done whether I can – or even should – try to make any attempt at humor in my response.  Death is a mystery. Death is a blessing, Death is a curse. Death is an unbreakable promise we are all made from our very beginning. I cannot answer death, for it is not a question but it is itself the ultimate answer. Even modern-day money-making factory J. K Rowling...

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