Advice From The Comic Hack #111 The Checking Out On Your Own Terms and “What Do You Mean I Was A Booty–Call?” Edition.

Jan 22

Advice From The Comic Hack #111 The Checking Out On Your Own Terms and “What Do You Mean I Was A Booty–Call?” Edition.

Stephen Hawking is quoted as saying “We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special” and Plato tells us “There is truth in wine and children”. Meanwhile I, Your Humble Comic Hack am insignificant in the presence of such giants. They speak truths about our existence; I’m going use the phrase “twat-nozzle” again.   Sometimes writing this weekly column is a struggle. Some of them require responses that are subtle, nuanced and since I am a wordy, verbose and garrulous hack; a whole lot of writing to get my point across… and dick jokes, always the dick jokes. But sometimes I could pretty-much proffer a two word answer for, something simple like “Dump him” or “Fuck That!”. Today’s column is not one of my longer offerings. Today I advise a woman who has a terrible misunderstanding of what it means to be a friend and offer some insight on one of the most serious topics I have ever addressed in this column. I’m sure I’m gonna screw it up but I’ll do the best I can. Even when my scribblings are in the august presence of such sages as Plato or Hawking, I’m proud to give them to you.  As “Emails from a Madman” author Jarod Kintz said  “My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.” Hahaha; “Unicorns” As always let me ask you to send in questions you want answered by email to advicequestions@tortugatwins.com and please LIKE, SHARE, and TWEET this column all over the internet please-and-thank-you!   Ok I have a friend that I’ve known almost 11 yrs. for a few years recently we were a whole lot more. Until March this year. He had me over just like we’ve always done (yes that) then let me know he had married someone else. He still says I mean so much to him or he loves me or he misses me yada yada. (Thru the last few years he proposed a lot. And asked me to move in almost every week) anywho, I...

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Advice From The Comic Hack #110 The Dating Huntress and Prime Directive For Platonic Friends Edition.

Jan 15

Advice From The Comic Hack #110 The Dating Huntress and Prime Directive For Platonic Friends Edition.

Plato. Citizen of ancient Greece and  renown sage; one of the most sophisticated writers of history; philosopher and mathematician; teacher of Aristotle and student of Socrates had this to say about friendship “True friendship can exist only between equals” and I invite you my friends and equals to read my writings today as I contemplate the rules of dating and ruminate about risking a friendship to transform it into something much more. I wrote this for you because, as Plato also said “Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.”   Many people – especially first year philosophy majors – agree that Plato was a “Bad Mutha — “ “Shut yo Mouth!” “I’m talking ‘bout Plato!” According to Webster’s Unabridged: a Platonic relationship is defined as “a pure, spiritual affection, subsisting between persons of opposite sex, unmixed with carnal desires, and regarding the mind only and its excellences” Sure why not? Plato – who should never be confused with Mickey Mouse’s dog – also said “love is a serious mental disease”  I’m kind of seeing a trend here. He also is credited as opining “He is a wise man that invented beer” so we’ll have to give him the benefit of the doubt. Today I will give you the benefit of my overly- verbose writing as I advise a woman on broadening her dating horizons and a man on treading carefully when revealing to a friend that he wants more than what good-ol’ Plato advocated. Let me remind you that a wise reader will also LIKE and SHARE this column using those classics “Facebook” and “Twitter”. I invite you to leave me some comments please, like I always do and I want to remind you to SUBMIT some QUESTIONS for future columns by emailing them to me at advicequestions@tortugatwins.com   I do not understand online dating, texting rules, etc. I want to meet someone one day in a romantic comedy way. I know this is stupid but I was raised on Fairy Tales and chivalry. This is why I love Ren Faire so much. I had a friend suggested I join Geek2Geek which is an online dating site for people who might...

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Advice From The Comic Hack #109 The Horrible Friends and Fight or Flight Marriage Edition

Jan 08

Advice From The Comic Hack #109 The Horrible Friends and Fight or Flight Marriage Edition

Audrey Hepburn was not only a film and fashion icon and regarded to be one of the most naturally beautiful women of all time, but she was also a pretty smart cookie. She is quoted as saying “If I get married I want to be very married”. Socrates also a fashion icon but not nearly so pretty said “Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm & constant”. Oh that Socrates he’s deep and dreamy. I too will proffer words of wisdom on the topics of both marriage and friendship today – and I might also put on a toga and sport a dressy, stylish wide-brimmed hat; stick around and find out. For one of today’s quotes on the topic of friendship I had to delve deep into the dusty tomes of the most profound of philosophers I give you Linda Grayson, author of such learned works “the Flutter Blossom family and the Spring Fairy Faire” and “Butterbean bunny and a fine fairy tea” who wisely opined “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate” On a lighter note; playwright and author of the Neurotic’s Notebook, Mignon McLaughlin weighed in thusly “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person”. And finally noted buzzkill and philosopher, whose works were known as far back as the Age of Conan, Freddy Nietzsche said “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”  I’m sure that quote will make us all stronger killjoy. For my first advice column of 2014 I’ve decided to tackle two interesting questions. One is about resolving conflicts in marriage.   The other question is on the topic of friendship and respect. I deal with this sensitive issue by trying to drop as many F-bombs as I can manage. Proceed with caution. Also  I commit an egregious misuse of the term “shaved-ape”. Go ahead and read today’s offering and see if I’m telling you the truth. I dare you. While you sort out all of this I am going to once again ask you to LIKE and SHARE this column. I wrote a column as...

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