Advice from Scaramouche Tortuga #103 – The Unicorns and Virgins Edition

Sep 25

Advice from Scaramouche Tortuga #103 – The Unicorns and Virgins Edition

Unicorns and virgins go hand-in-hand or horn-in-hand; though some extreme purists will tell you that if you put his “horn” in your hand you’re no longer a virgin. It has been said that “Dreams are the playground of unicorns” and even the bard himself Will.I.Am Shakespeare had plotter Sebastian declare in The Tempest “Now I will believe in unicorns”.  In the end however, like the modern sage declares “Unicorns don’t care if you believe in them any more than you care if they believe in you.” That bit of wisdom comes from a card from the Magic, The Gathering game called ‘Regal Unicorn’. Oh, and this week’s column is once again all about SEX! Today we discuss two of the rarest of all mythical creatures the Virgin and the Unicorn. The unicorn appears in almost all cultures throughout history. Argentinian poet, essayist, and namesake of the Borgesian conundrum”  Luis Jorge Borges wrote “It is universally held that the unicorn is a supernatural being and of auspicious omen; so say the odes, the annals, the biographies of worthies, and other texts whose authority is unimpeachable” The virgin too has become a cross-cultural icon imbued with sanctity or outright magical power. She – for though a man can technically be a virgin the word has become semantically synonymous with a pure young woman – has served as priestess, offering and paradoxically the mother of the savior in religions throughout the ages. Even to modern times she can be everything from the reward to Muslim terrorists who misunderstand the Koran to a cure for AIDS in blighted Africa. In Job 39:9 the Bible asks “Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?” In European/Christian imagery the unicorn, the most pure and magical of beasts comes to symbolically represent Jesus and the virgin in turn becomes Mary. In mythology the ability of the virgin to tame or even ride the unicorn seems to dates back to Medieval times (the epoch, not the cheesy restaurant). It figures prominently in everything from ancient heraldry to 1985’s Tom Cruise epic “Legend”. In that movie Darkness, the Lucifer analog, declares of unicorns “Nothing is more magical…As long as they roam the Earth, evil cannot...

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Advice from Scaramouche Tortuga # 102 The I’m Answering These Questions Long Form Edition

Sep 11

Advice from Scaramouche Tortuga # 102 The I’m Answering These Questions Long Form Edition

In  Billy Shakespeare’s Danish tragedy; Act 2 Scene 2 Lord Polonius famously intoned “Brevity is the soul of wit”. I’m not sure if his is the most respectable, sagacious advice since he came to such a bad end. I almost called his demise “pointless”, but, you know… Swords. In an effort to mollify and satisfy some of my critics in my last column I shortened some of my rambling responses to the four questions seeking my advice. Today, like a teenage boy in the shower, I’m only looking to satisfy myself. TL;DR, There’s an internet meme out there which – in my fogey-like opinion – is indicative of one of modern society’s worst trends: “Too Long; Didn’t Read”. It is posted with a perverse pride; as if willful ignorance and laziness was a virtue. Tl;dr, the same sort of stultifying mental ossification that lead MTV to go from playing subversive music videos to drek like “The Jersey Shore”. William Shakespeare was clearly being ironic when he had his old man opine on wit and brevity… but you whippersnappers today run the risk of only getting sound bites instead of philosophical explorations. Another humorist, writer and damned-talented Willy once said to the accolades of the masses “You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.” I am in no position to argue with either of these esteemed Williams. But contrary to the recommendation of Messrs Rogers or Shakespeare; I am going to plough my own already-tilled field and answer the four questions from my last column in a longer, wordier fashion. I hope you enjoy my garrulous responses to these questions about sex and self, relationships and standards. As always please help promote this column and its new home on the web. As always please “Like” and “Share” this article on Facebook and/or utilize the nifty links for all the popular social media below. Let’s get to it!    What I want to know is, why is casual sex OK for guys but women are sluts for it? Are we not supposed to enjoy it as much as men? I know we can’t all be the virgin dream…but are virgins really all that fun in bed?  ...

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