Advice from Scaramouche Tortuga #101 The Four Saucy Questions About Sex and Gender Edition

Aug 28

Advice from Scaramouche Tortuga #101 The Four Saucy Questions About Sex and Gender Edition

Sex, Sex, Sex and SEX! In today’s jaunty and NSFW Advice Column I get to tackle four questions about that “Sweet Mystery of Life”: Sex!  Sex is both the best and worst aspect of human nature. Sex is that mutual magic between a MAN and a WOMAN, or shared by TWO MEN, or sometimes between ONE LUCKY GUY and two usually dissatisfied women; or according to what I saw once in a video I stumbled across: between ONE TIRED LADY and a room full of eager but ultimately sad fellas.  So as the modern chanteuses Salt an Peppa soulfully sang – “Let’s talk about sex baby”!    Oscar, Emmy, and Tony award-winning Swedish bombshell Ingrid Bergman once said “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous”. Man; how could Rick let her get on that plane? Oliver Wendell Holmes – not nearly as much of a bombshell as Casablanca’s Ilsa said “The sound of a kiss is not so loud as a cannon, but its echo last a good deal longer”.  Journalist, activist, sportswriter and no-bombshell-at-all Heywood Cambell Broun upped the ante when he offered “The ability to make love frivolously is the thing which distinguishes human beings from the beasts.” And in the alt-classic movie Blue Velvet the colorful antagonist Frank Booth suggests colorfully “Fuck you, you fucking fuck!” – colorfully, but perhaps I have wandered a bit far afield. Once you complicate the magic of SEX with societal norms and gender roles things just get confusing. I’m here today to help guide a woman concerned with double standards. I advise a young lady dealing with post-coital blues. I offer my wisdom to a writer looking for love in all the wrong places and finally I help a girl who just wants to know what the hell boys want. We are all influenced by gender roles – Hell I once bought a bag of them at the world’s weirdest bakery!  -It’s called a homonym joke: it’s a valid form of humor! While I wallow in puns I am going to ask you to help promote this column and its new home on the web. As always please “Like” and “Share”...

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Advice From Scaramouche Tortuga #100 – The Triumphant Return Edition.

Aug 21

Advice From Scaramouche Tortuga #100 – The Triumphant Return Edition.

Humorist, satirist, futurist, mustache aficionado (ist?) and author of “The Great American Novel”, Samuel Langhorne Clemmons – Also famously known by the O.G rapper pseudonym “Marky-Mark Twain” – had this to say about progress “The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one” Today after a five-month hiatus I publish my 100th advice column.   Since shortly after I began writing these columns I have been told that I needed to take them to a larger audience. Who am I to argue against how well received they are? Getting the most exposure for this work is going to require a change in how I go about publishing and promoting my words each week. The first step was creating this new home for my writing – I hope you like the name “The Comic Hack’s Guide”! I promise you -there will be much better photos and graphics coming. I’ve got GREAT people working on that – this is just the first of many complicated tasks I’m moving through to realize my vision. The plan will eventually include a Kickstarter project, a book, and if I’m lucky fame, fortune, movie deals, talk-show engagements and heinously-bad life choices. If it could happen for Greg Behrendt – the badly-coiffed author of “He’s just not that into you” – why couldn’t it happen for me? For my first time back in the Advice-slinging saddle I’m going to respond to three gems from my much-diminished backlog of advice-seeking questions: A lady is concerned about her new title, a girl doesn’t know how to deal with an ex and a woman seeks my advice on dealing with a particularly crappy set of cards life has dealt to her. Please read on and enjoy my newest offering in a too long of a time. Perhaps you’ll find that these words will help you as well? In my 99 previous columns I have asked you to “Like” and “Share” the notes I’ve scribbled so that you can help boost the signal to a wider audience. Please keep doing so – I’ve even made it easier by including...

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Advice from Scaramouche Tortuga #99 – The Two Year Shower Buddy and a Little B.S. Edition

Aug 14

Advice from Scaramouche Tortuga #99 – The Two Year Shower Buddy and a Little B.S. Edition

*** This is a reprint of an archived Column from the Renaissance Festivals Facebook page ***   Uruguayan novelist, journalist, author and chronicler of history – especially the history of Latin America – Eduardo Galeano once opined “We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine”. I’ll open the bottle and grab the glasses, you fetch the lip gloss. Together we shall savor the sweetness of today’s column.   I have never met a Uruguayan novelist but I believe they exist because vast amounts of evidence confirm that this is so. My observations – though personal and anecdotal – strengthen my belief in Uruguay and its novelists resident therein. All of this stands despite the fact that the solipsist philosophy suggests that you cannot trust your own perceptions and that everything may in fact be an illusion. Solipsism is a bastard like that. I realize that the preceding sentence was esoteric or confusing to say the least but sometimes so is life. In today’s advice column I respond to a woman who is seeking truth and love yet does not perceive the evidence around her. I also help a sailor become captain of their fate despite being besieged by the siren song of fools. Once again I will implore you to “LIKE” and “SHARE” today’s column. Ironically enough; I have faith in you to do so.   I’ve been hanging out with a man that I really like for almost two years now, and he told me at one point that he had feelings for me.  He takes me on dates, we shower together, sleep together, and other usual couple things.  Since then, I’ve asked him why we weren’t officially dating and he gets really defensive about the subject.  His coworkers and both of our family also ask often and he even gets defensive about it in front of me, which kind of hurts.   He also has told me that he “doesn’t want to ruin our friendship.”  I really have strong feelings for him, and am confused on what I should do.  I want to tell him exactly how I feel (preferably in a cheesy romantic way), but I’m afraid that he’ll reject me.  I...

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Advice from Scaramouche Tortuga # 98 – The Making Babies and Being Stuck Edition

Aug 07

Advice from Scaramouche Tortuga # 98 – The Making Babies and Being Stuck Edition

*** This is a reprint of an archived Column from the Renaissance Festivals Facebook page ***   In his seminal work, the perennial high school English required reading assignment “The Odyssey”, history’s second-most famous Homer wrote “Oh for shame, how the mortals put the blame on us gods, for they say evils come from us, but it is they, rather, who by their own recklessness win sorrow beyond what is given”. The winner of the title “Most famous Homer in History” is mostly known for saying “D’Oh”.   This has already been a busy year and a host of projects have taken me away from my weekly labor of love – writing this column. However I had an eye-opening encounter this Saturday at the festival here in Phoenix. A very nice woman told me that not only is she a fan of the pieces I write, but as a seminary student she finds the answers I give helpful, insightful and in line with what she’s being taught at school. I think she said she’s even quoted me to those she’s already counseling. That can’t be good. Still; I am now compelled to get back in the habit of writing these columns weekly and – some might snarkily say – “weakly”. Today I advise a woman looking to upsize her family and in the Career Corner I try to help someone who feels stuck and bereft of options.  All I ask of you is that you help me spread the word about today’s column by using the links I have cleverly provided. So my husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and together 10 1/2, we are both in our mid 20’s. We have moved into our own home and both employed. I am at the point where I am interested in having a child. I have tried talking with him about this but he is not on the same page. How do I warm him up to the idea of having a child? He has said that “When it happens it happens”. I feel that it should be something planned for and prepared for, not some accident. Also I want him to want one as much as I...

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