Advice From Scaramouche Tortuga # 95 – The Vampire Wedding and Town Without Pity Edition

Jul 31

Advice From Scaramouche Tortuga # 95 – The Vampire Wedding and Town Without Pity Edition

***Having JUST completed the trip from Minneapolis, MN to Charlotte, NC I didn’t have time to write and publish a new article this week – Enjoy this gem from the Archives! This is a reprint of one of my old columns from the Renaissance Festivals Facebook Page (originally published Jan 2013)*** In one of my past columns I signed off with the advice to think a little and laugh a lot. Humorist, futurist, author, steamboat pilot and mustache-rocking icon Samuel Langhorne “I’m Mark Twain Bitch” Clemens said “Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand”… but he might have been joking.   Mark Twain is most famous for writing what’s regarded as the Great American Novel  “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” a novel no Caucasian can comfortably read aloud anymore. He believed that comedy was the most profound tool at our disposal for revealing and dealing with, the truth. Nebbish comic Woody Allen once opined “I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose” I admire both of these men – well, except for in the realms of investments (Clemens) or Child-rearing (Woody, you Dog!).  Today I’m asked a questions about familial expectations on  a woman’s special day and I apply a loving boot to the inertia-saddled ass of a job hunter.  While I answer these queries comically and in so doing reveal a prejudice of mine; let me entreat you to “Like” “Share” and “Comment” on this article when you’re done reading it. Also – Please submit questions for future columns by following the instructions below! My handfasting in March 2013. I am 50 and my future groom is 27. Should we have a serious ceremony and dress like grown ups? Or should we embrace our silly side and dress up in lovely costumes? I should love to be fairy and he thinks he is a vampire. Not a silly one with a cap and greased back hair…. a suave and debonair one with pointed teeth and dressed all in black. I really want to wear wings…..with sparkle and glitter.  First and foremost let me congratulate you. At an age when far too many women throw away or sublimate their sexuality becoming androgynous matrons you’ve...

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Advice From Scaramouche Tortuga #97 – The Two Amusing Observations On Ritalin and Compromise Edition.

Jul 31

Advice From Scaramouche Tortuga #97 – The Two Amusing Observations On Ritalin and Compromise Edition.

*** This is a reprint of one of my old columns from the Renaissance Festivals Facebook Page (originally published Jan 2013)***   Kurt Vonnegut sagely wrote “Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.” Today I scour my archives to try and make you laugh. No cleanup will be necessary.    I find myself, in the final week of the first month of a year the Maya foretold we wouldn’t have. I also find myself in need of a laugh. For all my readers also in need of a good guffaw I have brought back two of my funniest offerings. I hope you enjoy them. I also hope that you “Like” “Share” and “Comment” on them. I’d also like the winning lottery numbers. Do what you can.   How would you suggest someone handle a situation where a significant other suddenly develops an obsession in something you have absolutely no interest in; something you think is inane and would otherwise deride someone for watching/reading/playing etc.?  And I do mean obsessed, like they won’t stop going on about whatever it is for example?   If the other person is of no importance to you, I’d propose leaving immediately. If it were me there would probably be a snort of derision or a superior eye-roll. Since this is a significant other of which you speak; let me hit you with a quote by American poet Phyllis McGinley“Compromise, if not the spice of life, is its solidity. It is what makes nations great and marriages happy”.  It is time for a little diplomacy and maturity. It’s part of the “deal” in being in a relationship. I have a process for writing this column. When selecting questions for it I copy them from Facebook or my questions email inbox. I add them to a document stripped of your name and identifying photo. I let them sit for a while until I need them to fit a specific theme for that week. By the time I use a question, I don’t remember who submitted them. I don’t know you. I don’t know your gender. I probably haven’t met...

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Advice From Scaramouche Tortuga #96 – The Busybody, Naked Job Interview and Lies About the Flu Edition

Jul 24

Advice From Scaramouche Tortuga #96 – The Busybody, Naked Job Interview and Lies About the Flu Edition

*** This is a reprint of one of my old columns from the Renaissance Festivals Facebook Page (originally published Jan 2013)*** ***I was called away on business this week; a secret mission involving orphans, nuns, and atomic weaponry. Nonetheless I did want you to have SOME piece of my Advice Column this week – so I brought back one of the final entries from  the old site. Enjoy!*** Whether the “CDC” or “Science” or “Facts” agree or not: this is clearly one of the worst Flu Seasons ever and if you haven’t gotten two or three flu shots by now, you might as well just lock yourself in your bomb shelter – excuse me; I forgot that this is a brave new century – Your Anti-Zombie Shelter and hope it blows over. You’re gonna need something to read in there; how about today’s column? The Flu is here! The Flu is here! This may-well-be the most apocalyptic flu since Stephen King created “Captain Trips” in his “So massively-epic it makes Robert Jordan look like Ernest Hemmingway” book “The Stand.” Clearly this MUST be what was referenced in the bible, Exodus 9:15  “For by now I could have stretched out my hand and struck you and your people with a plague that would have wiped you off the Earth.” Today’s column has absolutely nothing to do with the flu, the bible, or Robert Jordan other than the fact that I’m a horrible writer. I just really thought that the bible quote was cool, and much like the irresponsible, fear-mongering media I wanted to get your attention. I’m not above using tricks to do so.  Today I deal with a well-meaning busy-body who wonders how much they should be involved in everyone else’s relationship and an apprehensive job seeker looking for confidence. Please enjoy reading this offering today in between forays into the plague-ravished world to stock-up on Kleenex and orange juice. Please also remember to “Like”, “Share” and “Comment” on this article in between your uncontrollable fits of feverish shivering.   I’ve seen many relationships over the years that friends were in which they just shouldn’t have been stuck in. Either it was something mild like anyone else could see they weren’t compatible...

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